How to Make Friends

Don't look like an idiot.
Stop looking down at your shoes.
Make eye contact. WHOA, not that much eye contact. Ah, better.
Listen to what the person is saying. Then, try to formulate a response in your mind.
What do you mean, you were too busy listening to me?
Okay, now you have to think of something to say. Anything.
What were you thinking!? That was idiotic! You know, I'm here for a reason.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT YOUR SHOES AGAIN!
DO NOT think about that dream you had last night where you were flying and then the monster came so you escaped with the help of Tinkerbell and -
Sigh. Why do I even bother?
Oh no, she's walking away! Say something!
No, not your own name! You idiot! Now she thinks you're an effing Pokemon.
Stop looking at her! She's gone!
Why is that guy staring at you? Quick, just walk away.
Stop fidgeting! Who do you think you are? You are not in a social position to start acting weird again.
You'd better start walking away now.
Who is in charge of programming down there? I said, MOVE IT, legs!
Ah, finally.
No, where are you going?
Oh, screw it. We both know thinking things through isn't helping anything.
Unfortunately, I am unable to leave, because I am also in charge of your bodily functions. Luckily, I have all this spare time to remind you how cringe-worthy that conversation was. Do not retaliate.
Perfect, you fat ugly bastard. Just let me take over from now on. I'll inform you if anything needs attending to. Just take in all the hate until it begins to sink in.