DO NOT Take the Night Shift

I messed up, I messed up big time. They are coming for me, shit, I can hear their footsteps outside the door already. Listen, if you see a flyer or ad for a night guard position at a prison, DO NOT TAKE IT! I made the mistake of accepting the job and I know they are going to look for a new person to guard the prison now that I can't. I didn't have a warning, no one told me what I was signing up for, and I think I owe it to everyone to bring out the truth. I don't want people to have to go through what I did.

It all started this morning when I was looking for a new job now that my teaching career was over. While browsing the internet, I came across an ad looking for someone to take up a night guard position. I couldn't have been happier seeing that offer. The images of just sitting in a chair looking at CCTV not having to think much or bother moving flashed through my head. Hell, I would be getting paid to do practically nothing, what could be better?

I was ecstatic to take the job until I realized I would be guarding a prison. This set me off a little, considering I wasn't sure how I would "guard" a prison. I also didn't like the idea of having to chase down a possible murderer if they got loose. This uneasiness probably should have warned me that I shouldn't take the job, this and the fact that a job description was completely non-existent. So, yeah, this was kinda sketchy, but rent was coming up and I barely had enough money for that let alone the electricity and water bills. So, I applied for the job.

Not even 30 minutes later, I received a call from the employers. They said I had the job, no interview, no background check, I just had the job. Now, this was really sketchy, it raised a lot of red flags that I ignored. I mean, come on, I was financially in a corner and needed the money, what else could I do but happily accept the job and ask when I started.

My first shift was that night starting at 8:00 but they wanted me there by 7:45 to be briefed. Once I arrived, I was greeted by the day guard who was just about to leave. He had locked the office door, the one with all the cameras I had expected to stay in, and told me I wouldn't be using it. He then gave me a letter telling me I was meant to read it before beginning my job. Before leaving, he wished me luck, saying the job was probably unpleasant because there had been a new night guard every day this week. He wasn't wrong about it being unpleasant.

After he left I was a bit shaken up, but I tried to brush off the worrying feeling. I was already here and couldn't turn back now. So I opened the letter to read my briefing, and that's when things went wrong.

To whoever the night guard is,

Thank you for accepting this job. There is no need to watch for criminals on cameras or patrol the area of the prison, but there are a set of rules that must be followed precisely and exactly.

  • From 8:00 - 9:00, spread salt in a straight line in front of cells 105 - 118, 304 - 323, and 446 - 448 while repeating the phrase "captimanere". It's crucial you finish this process before 9:00. If you fail to do so, lock yourself in the employee bathroom with the lights off and pray they don't find you.
  • At 9:15, you will begin to hear scratches and growling in cells 20 - 27 and 50 - 64. Ignore them, and don't look in the cells.
  • If at any point between 10:00 - 10:15 you feel a cold breeze, hide under a desk in the employee lounge and do not breathe for 30 seconds. If you feel the need to, you may stay under the desk for longer than 30 seconds.
  • At 11:00, if you are still under the desk it is highly recommended you get out and turn off all lights. During this time you may experience an extreme fear of the dark, ignore it. No matter what you do, don't turn on the lights. They can't see you when it's dark.
  • Now it is EXTREMELY important that consecutively every 15 minutes, starting at 12:00 ending and including 3:45, you go to cells 1 - 3 and knock on each door 3 times, each knock 1 second apart. They like consistency and they cherish noise. Do NOT forget, I repeat, DO NOT forget to do this. If you fail to do so correctly, hide in the employee bathroom with the lights off. They will find you, but at least you will have time to say goodbye.
  • If you are still intact and are currently not relying on hiding in the bathroom, your job is nearly done. Just make sure to lock yourself in the employee lounge and ignore all knocks on the door and window. If you see a figure in the window, don't look at it for more than 10 seconds. It should leave after an hour. Once you see the sunrise, you may leave.

Remember, you should be fine as long as you follow these instructions.

Good luck.

It is now currently 4 AM, I'm hiding in the bathroom, and forgot to knock at 3:45.