Object 449

The Holder of Virility

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. Upon reaching the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of Virility". The receptionist will be a woman. She should not even look up to greet you before you get a chance to ask. She should instead be filing her nails and speaking on the phone, and essentially, ignoring you.

If she is not, and in fact acknowledges you, immediately turn and run back to your car. Drive as fast as you can out of the country. Drive farther, if possible, for failing to do so will result in a force so strong it will force itself inside your brain and will begin to push against it, as though your brain is literally being raped by a giant, grotesque man. If the woman does not greet you, you're in luck. Just wait patiently; there will be a bell there for guests to ring. DO NOT RING IT. She will look up at you eventually. But she will not say a word.

Notice there is a long corridor behind her the moment she does look up at you. You will be met by an endless sea of the most beautiful women your eyes could ever see walking promiscuously out of the corridor in a single file line; for every girl wearing the outfit that best matches your biggest fantasy, there will be one wearing nothing, and one wearing a mink coat. They will try to undress you. Do not give in. Force them off of you, one by one. The vast sea of beautiful females will end shortly.

After it has ended, a giant man of about seven-and-a-half feet will appear. He will be a man of obvious brute strength. He will size you up, and he will notice that you are many times weaker than he. He will no doubt laugh at you (if you are lucky). If he does not laugh, you have already met your end. If he does laugh, as he should, it will be lengthy and bellowing, and cannot be interrupted. Look to your left. There will appear a broadsword laying horizontally upon a gun rack. Run toward it, but make sure he is STILL LAUGHING while you go to it. DO NOT doubt or question your strength or ability to carry the weapon. You will be able to if you are determined.

Take it, and wait for him to stop laughing. He will grow angry if you wait for him to stop laughing without laughing with him (he will take this last as an insult, and the former as a sign of weakness), or even reacted at his insulting you. When he has stopped laughing, and has gotten your attention by the broadsword you now wield, challenge him to a fight. You will win the fight if you are persistent, and you have kept a strong faith in yourself. For he will but match you in strength, he will not overpower you because he tires far quicker than you.

After you have won, drop the broadsword, and ask him the following question: "How does one survive weakness?" He will then proceed to tell you of every act of strength - for nobility or for awful and unjust means - ever committed. Do not interrupt him, lest you face an eternity of intimidation, sniveling frailty, and insecurity forevermore. Many of his answers will be rather contradictory, both against one another and against the definition of strength (since much of what wishes to come off as strong merely comes off as cowardly), but just let him have his say.

It would obviously take thousands of years to explain every example known to humankind, but it will feel like only several minutes have gone by. After he has finished, he will look up reflectively at the rising sun through the window to the west. This is obviously not supposed to happen. Don't question it, or madness will be the next (and last) thing to seep through the window at a snail's pace, and it will do so unto your mind.

Should you succeed up to this point, you will slip into a darkness untold, just before the time of day it was when you originally arrived corresponding to what it should be at this point (about an hour-and-a-half or so will have passed, therefore, adjust accordingly). The man of brute strength will then kneel down and pick up the broadsword to offer it to you. Take it from his hands, and swiftly decapitate him.

The broadsword will disappear now, but you will have gained amazing courage and strength. This brave strength is, in fact, Object 449 of 2538.